Joke of the day! (No Memes)

ya ever have one of those days yore luck is so bad that its raining boobies you would get hit right between the eyes with a pecker
 
My First Girlfriend Choked To Death.
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It Was A Terrible Blow.
 
Before You Criticize a Man, Walk A Mile In His Shoes.
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Then You Will Be A Mile Away, And Have His Shoes.
 
O. J. Simpson, The NFL Leader
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In Fleeing Yardage.
 
what room cant a skeleton go into?

The Living Room
 
Lady hasn't had a date for a long time so she decides to seek out a Dr on what could be the problem.
An Asian Dr, looked her over thoroughly and ran some tests and she was completely healthy.
His Diagnosis to her was that she had Ed Zachary disease!
The lady responded, "Ed Zachary Disease"...never heard of that what is it?
He responded, Ed Zachary disease is when your face look edzachary like your ass!
 
dbart said:
Lady hasn't had a date for a long time so she decides to seek out a Dr on what could be the problem.
An Asian Dr, looked her over thoroughly and ran some tests and she was completely healthy.
His Diagnosis to her was that she had Ed Zachary disease!
The lady responded, "Ed Zachary Disease"...never heard of that what is it?
He responded, Ed Zachary disease is when your face look edzachary like your ass!
Click to expand...
That’s like having a case of the xactley’s!
 
“Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver”
 
A couple were invited to a swanky family, masked, fancy dress, Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
 
Confucious say:
He who run in front of car get tired! He who run behind car get exhausted!
 
husband comes home from work a little randy & says "how about we go upstairs & have sex?"
Wife says: "I went to the gynecologist today & he said I cant have sex for 2 weeks".
He says: "well, how about a hummer?"
Wife says: "As it turns out I went to the Dentist yesterday & have an infection in my tooth & cant do that either"
He says: "any chance you went to the proctologist the last few days?"
 
Confucious say:
He who has hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
 
A young blonde woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 
There was a gentleman (Esco) living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out, for a price.

Esco was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.

Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the Esco's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

Esco paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"
 
My Neighbor Had a Vasectomy,
And Discovered It Didn't Always Work,
And It Can Make The Baby Black.
 
My wife suggested we go to the bar separately to relive our first date, so she walked up to me and said hey handsome wanna buy me a drink? I said hell no I aint falling for that again
 
did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do after taking them out of the oven?
 
I went to Barnes & Nobel yesterday and asked the clerk if they had Donald Trumps new book on how to deport illegal immigrants. She immediately said to me " Get the Fuck out of here and don't come back." I said "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
 
what do you call an old snowman?

"a glass of water"
 
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