Joke of the day! (No Memes)

guy tried to sell me a coffin the other day, told him thats the last thing i need
 
While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?"
Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No."
"Is that your final answer?" I asked.
"Yes," she said firmly.
"Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend."
And that’s when the fight began.
We went out to a restaurant, and the waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare," I said.
He raised an eyebrow and asked, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah," I replied, "she can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight began.
At her high school reunion, my wife couldn’t stop staring at a drunken man at a nearby table.
"Do you know him?" I asked.
"Yes," she sighed. "He’s my old boyfriend. I hear he started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since."
I said, "Wow! Who knew someone could celebrate that long?"
And that’s when the fight began.
When the lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting I should fix it, but I always had other priorities.
One day, I came home to find her in the yard, cutting the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched for a moment, then silently went into the house. When I returned, I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you’re done, you might as well sweep the driveway too."
The doctors say I’ll recover, but I’ll always walk with a limp.
My wife sat next to me as I was flipping through channels.
"What’s on TV?" she asked.
"Dust," I replied.
And that’s when the fight began.
One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing, but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel.
I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered.
Without turning around, she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"
And that’s when the fight began.
For our anniversary, my wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could go from 0 to 150 in seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight began.
When I went to apply for Social Security, I realized I’d forgotten my ID.
The clerk asked me to unbutton my shirt, and when she saw my silver chest hair, she said, "That’s proof enough," and processed my application.
Excitedly, I told my wife the story when I got home.
She said, "You should’ve dropped your pants; they might’ve given you disability too."
And that’s when the fight began.
One morning, my wife stood in front of the mirror, unhappy with her reflection.
"I feel old, fat, and ugly," she said. "I need a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
And that’s when the fight began.
This morning, I rear-ended another car. The driver got out and turned out to be a dwarf.
He glared at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"
So I asked, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
And that’s when the fight began.
One Christmas, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a gift.
The next year, I didn’t get her anything.
When she asked why, I said, "Well, you haven’t used last year’s gift yet!"
And that’s when the fight began.
 
To all the Ladies out there, please stop asking Santa for the perfect man! I almost got kidnapped 3 times yesterday.
 
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
 
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
 
good news about Erectile dysfunction is it can be cured with diet and exercise.

the hard part is getting the wife to diet and exercise.
 

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley... YOU RIDE IT!!".
 
why arent dogs allowed in bars?

they cant control their licker
 
I was in the hospital the other day and had an oxygen mask on, nurse came in and I asked are my testicles back, she lifted my smock grabed my junk and said nope they are all fine.

I removed my oxygen mask and said thanks that was nice but what i asked are my test results back
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife as she gazed at herself in the mirror.
With her birthday approaching, he asked what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still staring at the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, prepared a big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything available.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was spinning, and her stomach was upside down.
Next, he took her to McDonald’s, where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movie theater for the latest superhero saga, complete with popcorn, soda, and her favorite candy, M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, utterly exhausted.
He leaned over her with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's going to get it wrong.




 
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
 
I am done with gummy for awhile
last night I was thinking if a guy from Holland married a Fillapeno would their kid be a Hollapeno?
 
There are those That Think There's Aliens Out There.
This Can't Be True.
If It Was True, We Would Have Sent Them Foreign Aide Money.
 
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