Joke of the day! (No Memes)

if yore ever feeling dumb, remember people stayed in their homes for a year because the tv told them to

 
how does a woman hold her liquor?  she holds him by the ears.

 
a couple were walking around at the fair,  there was a helicopter ride for $50  the husband looks at his wife lets do it.  the wife said no--$50 is $50 bucks.  they walked some more and came back to the same ride, the husband pleaded i have never done this please,  the wife said $50 is $50.  one last time they pass by the helicopter ride.  this time the owner said look, ill give you both a ride but you cant say a word,  if you do then its $50.  Deal!  they go up and the pilot is doing everything he can to scare them, supe aggressive moves and not a peep.   they finally land and the pilot looks back at the couple to congratulate them but the wife was missing?  he said where is your wife?  she fell out a little while ago but,  why didnt you say anything?......................$50 is $50

 
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to anyone I offended in 2024 try to improve so I don't have to do it again in 2025.

 
if bruce jenner can keep his thing and be considered a woman, you can keep yore guns and be considered disarmed

 
my wife just stopped and said you weren't even listening, were you?  which I thought was a weird way to start a conversation.

 
The Empire State Building...


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

1st Man: "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the tenth floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."

 
  • Haha
Reactions: THD
the same people who voted to fine you for not having healthcare, want to give it to illegal aliens for free.

 
why do so many mexican girls get pregnant in high school? they miss understood the assignment from the teacher when they told them to do an Essay {ese}

 
you think the government cares about you? I bet that stripper last night really liked you also

 
A sign in a restaurant window reads...
A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."
A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.
The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.
On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"
The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."

Peace
 

 
A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.
When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"
"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."
 

Peace

 
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

Peace

 
why to democrats want to hold gun manufacturers liable? but not vaccine manufacturers.

 
what is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period. 

 
looks like the stock market just fell out of a coconut tree

 
This American wrestler is going into the final round of the Olympics and unfortunately he's got to go up against this undefeated Russian who's broken the backs of his two previous opponents with a patented move called "The Pretzel Hold".

In the pre-fight meeting, the coach for the American wrestler says, "If that madman gets you in the "Pretzel Hold", I'm throwing in the towel".

The American wrestler said, "Well, I appreciate it because I don't want to wind up like those two other guys".

So the match begins, and sure enough, within 30 seconds the Russian has the American in the "Pretzel Hold" and is REALLY wrenching down on him. The coach for the American is frantically looking for a towel to throw in.

The American wrestler, on the verge of losing consciousness, looks up and sees this nutsack hanging in front of his face. He figures, "What the hell", and bites it as hard as he possibly can.

Immediately, he comes flying out of the "Pretzel Hold", grabs the Russian, and pins him. The crowd goes WILD!!!.

In the after match press conference, the reporters repeatedly asked, "How in the world did you manage to pin the guy, let alone get out the "Pretzel Hold"???????" The American wrestler, paused for a minute, and then said, "It's amazing what you can do when you bite your own nutsack".

 
difference between the government and robbers is the robbers dont pretend to help you.

 
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Peace

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