Joke of the day! (No Memes)
- Thread starter Grease Monkey
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- Apr 29, 2021
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Three male Labradors, 1 chocolate, 1 yellow, and 1 black were sitting in a waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's' bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Going to cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'And why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out
of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.'
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said, 'No, No, I'm here to get my nails clipped''
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's' bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Going to cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'And why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out
of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.'
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said, 'No, No, I'm here to get my nails clipped''
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- #43
- Apr 29, 2021
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The Montana Department of Labor & Industry claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one
RANCHER: That would be me.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one
RANCHER: That would be me.
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- #45
- Apr 29, 2021
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.
Bobalos
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- May 5, 2021
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Okay Hear Me Out An Old Fashioned Candy Necklace But With Tums And Ibuprofen..
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Johnny comes home from school one day and is asked by his mom how the day went. “OK”, replies Johnny. “What did you do today?” asks his mom. “I had sex with the teacher”, says Johnny. Johnny’s mom is stunned. “Go to your room at once, young man, and you just wait there till your father comes home!” orders Johnny’s mom.
A little while later, Johnny’s dad arrives at home. Seeing Johnny’s mom visibly shaken, he inquires into what’s wrong and is told of what Johnny had done in school. Johnny’s dad races upstairs to Johnny’s room. “Did you really have sex today?” he asks, to which Johnny replies, “Yes”. “Atta boy, Tiger!” says Johnny’s dad, “Daddy’s proud! Come on, boy; let’s go to the store to buy that mountain bike you’ve wanted! You’re a man now!”
As Johnny and his dad descend the stairs, Johnny’s dad whispers to Johnny, “I’ll act like I’m mad at you as we pass mommy. Play along”. Johnny and his dad then pass through the kitchen, by Johnny’s mom, and out the door all the while with Johnny’s dad pretending to give Johnny hell.
Once at the store Johnny and his dad quickly find and purchase Johnny’s dream bike. Out in the parking lot, Johnny’s dad takes it for a quick spin. “Hey, kiddo”, he says, “this bike’s a beauty all right! Why don’t you ride it home?”
“I don’t think I want to”, says Johnny.
“Why not?” asks his dad.
“Because my bum’s still sore”
A little while later, Johnny’s dad arrives at home. Seeing Johnny’s mom visibly shaken, he inquires into what’s wrong and is told of what Johnny had done in school. Johnny’s dad races upstairs to Johnny’s room. “Did you really have sex today?” he asks, to which Johnny replies, “Yes”. “Atta boy, Tiger!” says Johnny’s dad, “Daddy’s proud! Come on, boy; let’s go to the store to buy that mountain bike you’ve wanted! You’re a man now!”
As Johnny and his dad descend the stairs, Johnny’s dad whispers to Johnny, “I’ll act like I’m mad at you as we pass mommy. Play along”. Johnny and his dad then pass through the kitchen, by Johnny’s mom, and out the door all the while with Johnny’s dad pretending to give Johnny hell.
Once at the store Johnny and his dad quickly find and purchase Johnny’s dream bike. Out in the parking lot, Johnny’s dad takes it for a quick spin. “Hey, kiddo”, he says, “this bike’s a beauty all right! Why don’t you ride it home?”
“I don’t think I want to”, says Johnny.
“Why not?” asks his dad.
“Because my bum’s still sore”
Bobalos
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- May 5, 2021
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Joke of the day....
I just got a mandatory meeting invitation for 1.5 hours on sexual orientation transitioning....
ca law says all someone has to say is they feel like a woman, and they can use any bathroom they want....
And... we have a gender neutral bathroom, and they don't have to use it....
And this will take 90 minutes?????? Ph.u.ck this state....
I just got a mandatory meeting invitation for 1.5 hours on sexual orientation transitioning....
ca law says all someone has to say is they feel like a woman, and they can use any bathroom they want....
And... we have a gender neutral bathroom, and they don't have to use it....
And this will take 90 minutes?????? Ph.u.ck this state....
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Esco
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- May 4, 2021
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I am the best cook, with 1 sausage and 2 eggs I can keep a belly full for 9 months
Esco
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saying we dont need guns because we have police is the same as saying we dont need fire extinguishers because we have fireman
dbart
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What's the difference between a Peeping Tom and a Pick Pocket?
.
.
.
.
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch!
:bag:
.
.
.
.
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch!
:bag:
Esco
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this kid is TOP s
Little Johnny was in the habit of picking his nose and eating his bogies. His mother told him to stop again and again, but to no avail.
Finally she tried scare tactics: "If you go on eating your bogies all the time your stomach will blow up like a huge balloon!"
Later that day little Johnny and his mother took the bus into town. They sat down in front of a heavily pregnant woman. Little Johnny gave her a sly look and said "I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING!"
Little Johnny was in the habit of picking his nose and eating his bogies. His mother told him to stop again and again, but to no avail.
Finally she tried scare tactics: "If you go on eating your bogies all the time your stomach will blow up like a huge balloon!"
Later that day little Johnny and his mother took the bus into town. They sat down in front of a heavily pregnant woman. Little Johnny gave her a sly look and said "I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING!"
Esco
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The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that a hippo is really heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter
Esco
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a womans butthole is like a 9V battery you know eventually yore going to stick your tongue on it
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- Apr 29, 2021
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Speaking of light-bulbs.....
How many forum-members does it take to change a light-bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again
How many forum-members does it take to change a light-bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
Five to flame the spell checkers.
Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
Another six to condemn those six as stupid.
Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.
Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.
Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.
AND
One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated they found at snopes.com and start it all over again
Last edited by a moderator:
Rockwood
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Rockwood
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A born again Christian couple decides to get married and not have sex before the wedding night.
The week before the big night, the guy says to the girl, "I have to tell you something so it doesn't shock you on our wedding night, I'm hung like a baby."
The girls says, "That's alright, I've been with some other guys who were small and I can live with it.”
After a few silent moments, she blurts out: "I have to tell you something as well, I've been stuffing my bra since I was a teenage."
The guy replies “that’s okay, I’m more of an ass man.”
On their wedding night they are getting undressed and when the bride takes off her top all the tissues fall out because she was not lying about stuffing her bra.
She looks over at her husband and her eyes roll back into her head and she passes out.
When she comes to, her husband is there and the first thing she says is, "You lied to me. You said you were hung like a baby!"
"I am, 8 pounds 21 inches."
The week before the big night, the guy says to the girl, "I have to tell you something so it doesn't shock you on our wedding night, I'm hung like a baby."
The girls says, "That's alright, I've been with some other guys who were small and I can live with it.”
After a few silent moments, she blurts out: "I have to tell you something as well, I've been stuffing my bra since I was a teenage."
The guy replies “that’s okay, I’m more of an ass man.”
On their wedding night they are getting undressed and when the bride takes off her top all the tissues fall out because she was not lying about stuffing her bra.
She looks over at her husband and her eyes roll back into her head and she passes out.
When she comes to, her husband is there and the first thing she says is, "You lied to me. You said you were hung like a baby!"
"I am, 8 pounds 21 inches."
Esco
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whats the differnce between a fridge and a butthole?
"the fridge dont fart when you pull the meat out"
:jeff:
"the fridge dont fart when you pull the meat out"
:jeff:
Esco
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what's the difference between humans and animals?
animals won't let the most stupid lead the pack
animals won't let the most stupid lead the pack