Joke of the day! (No Memes)

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.  She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"  The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. 
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."  "But I didn't use them."  'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."  "But I didn't go to any of those shows.."  "Well, we have them, and you could have."  No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.  After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.  "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"  "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."  "But I didn't!"  "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

 
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 
@Poule43 had just moved into a new community and was unpacking when there was a knock on the door!

He answers the door and it is @TheSPAINishLover. Poule asks what he wants and the Little pootaux says he wants to invite him to a party he's throwing!

Poule asks what kind of party?

Pootaux says a lot of drinking, fighting and f**king!

Poule says my kind of party what should I wear...

Pootaux says oh hell it don't matter, just gonna be you and me!

:bag:

:lmao:

 
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascina
ted.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'?
The teacher sat down and cried.

 
Code: 
A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the
eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,

(2) you didn't read your homework, and

(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed>>
 
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset. 
_"You are a disrēspêctful pīg!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_
The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_
_"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_
The husband began:
_"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_
_"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_
_"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."_
_"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."_
_"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."_
_"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."_
_"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."_
The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:
_"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

 
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 
A guy is late for work and speeding down the highway when he approaches an overpass and sees a cop with a radar gun pointed towards him. Sure enough, the cop jumps in his cruiser and pulls the guy over. The cop ask for the guys license and registration and then asked the guy why he was speeding. The guy replies that he was late for work and trying to make up some time. The cop ask the guy what he does for work that is so important to speed on the highway and put others at risk? The guy replies that he is a rectum stretcher. The cop ask what the hell is a rectum stretcher? The guy replies that he uses a lot of lube then inserts a finger in the a$$hole. He works it around some so he can get all his fingers in, and then the hard work begins to get both hands in the a$$hole. He works it for a while until he gets it open 6 ft. wide. The cop says what the hell do you do to a 6 ft a$$hole? The guy replies, give him a radar gun and put him on an overpass!

 
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When I got back from Montreal last week, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I
needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me ... An Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of
yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says;
.
.
"Fluc you white people too!"

 
@ChEFF  :lmao:

Chili Cook Off in Texas

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time
to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who
have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to
be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

 
Joke of the Year: One day not long a go there were two women sitting Quietly on a park bench. Peace

 
Grease Monkey said:
@ChEFF  :lmao:

Chili Cook Off in Texas

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time
to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who
have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to
be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
Click to expand...
"I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics."

This line had me in tears!

 
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