Joke of the day! (No Memes)

GLAMIS WEATHER
Doctor: "Did you know alcohol kills you slowly"?
Me: "That's okay, I'm not in a hurry".
@ESCO : Wait, what?
 
I just framed a copy of the U.S. Constitution and hung it on my wall.
It's my Decoration of Independence.
 
I don't know who needs to hear this, but,
if yore buggy is leaking oil, it's not out.
 
esHO university has spent 200 years researching roaming cattle.
This year, they’re celebrating their bison-tennial.
 
I just saw a "Camping World" commercial and I swear,
I saw Platner in the video selling campers.
 
I can never remember if today is still part of the holiday weekend…
If anyone asks, I’m pleading the Fifth.
 
I asked the waitress if I could see the menu please.
She said, "The men I please are none of your business".
 
My favorite Bob Einstein joke (AKA Super Dave Osborne) RIP

This man has always dreamed of going to Egypt to see the great pyramids. He finally saved enough to go. He took a flight to a nearby airport, and took a cab to his hotel. The tour would start tomorrow morning but he couldn’t wait to experience the city so he left his hotel to just look around. He soon found himself lost and took a shortcut he thought would get him back to his hotel. But he soon found himself lost worse with nothing visible but sand. He thought, I’m in real trouble here, the only thing I can think of is to climb the tallest dune and look around to see if I can see anything. He gets to the top of the dune and he really starts to panic as he can’t see anything. Then he thinks he is seeing things, but he sees what he thinks is a little wooden stand in the middle of the desert. He isn’t sure it’s real but it’s the only thing he can see so he starts walking towards it. He finally gets to it and he is astonished by the fact that, it is a stand that sells ties in the middle of the desert. He says sir please I am not from here, and I am lost! Do you have any water? The old man says no, I don’t have water but I can sell you a tie. He says thanks but I’m not going to need a tie if I don’t get some water soon. Can you tell me where I can get water? The man says well, there is an Inn about two miles that way, pointing towards the setting sun. I would think you could get water there. The tourist thanks him profusely and says he was going to the Inn. The old man says are you sure you don’t want to buy a tie. The guy spins around and tries to be cool when he says no thank you, I need to get water. He says thank you again and starts walking towards the Inn. About an hour later the old man is sitting at his shack when the tourist suddenly shows up back at his shack, clearly in much worse shape! The old man asks him didn’t they give you any water? He said no they wouldn’t let me in without a tie!
 
Turn and Burn said:
My favorite Bob Einstein joke (AKA Super Dave Osborne) RIP

This man has always dreamed of going to Egypt to see the great pyramids. He finally saved enough to go. He took a flight to a nearby airport, and took a cab to his hotel. The tour would start tomorrow morning but he couldn’t wait to experience the city so he left his hotel to just look around. He soon found himself lost and took a shortcut he thought would get him back to his hotel. But he soon found himself lost worse with nothing visible but sand. He thought, I’m in real trouble here, the only thing I can think of is to climb the tallest dune and look around to see if I can see anything. He gets to the top of the dune and he really starts to panic as he can’t see anything. Then he thinks he is seeing things, but he sees what he thinks is a little wooden stand in the middle of the desert. He isn’t sure it’s real but it’s the only thing he can see so he starts walking towards it. He finally gets to it and he is astonished by the fact that, it is a stand that sells ties in the middle of the desert. He says sir please I am not from here, and I am lost! Do you have any water? The old man says no, I don’t have water but I can sell you a tie. He says thanks but I’m not going to need a tie if I don’t get some water soon. Can you tell me where I can get water? The man says well, there is an Inn about two miles that way, pointing towards the setting sun. I would think you could get water there. The tourist thanks him profusely and says he was going to the Inn. The old man says are you sure you don’t want to buy a tie. The guy spins around and tries to be cool when he says no thank you, I need to get water. He says thank you again and starts walking towards the Inn. About an hour later the old man is sitting at his shack when the tourist suddenly shows up back at his shack, clearly in much worse shape! The old man asks him didn’t they give you any water? He said no they wouldn’t let me in without a tie!
Click to expand...
Yes he was a funny guy. I worked on a film with him back in 1968.
Here's a link to the film. Bob wrote most of the script and was an actor/directer as well
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Early Life and Family
  • He was born Stewart Robert Einstein on November 20, 1942, in Los Angeles, California.
  • His father was the famous radio comedian Harry Einstein (known as "Parkyakarkus").
  • His mother was the actress and singer Thelma Leeds.
  • His younger brother is acclaimed actor and filmmaker Albert Brooks.
  • Einstein survived polio at age six. [1, 2, ]
 
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Aliens abducted me and forced me to wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I wasn’t on a spaceship…
I was on the Mothership.
 
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