Joke of the day! (No Memes)

GLAMIS WEATHER
The three keys to a successful relationship.
The first day she is right.
The second day she she is right.
The third day, you are fcuking wrong.
 
Did you know if you go to bed in full armor…
It’s the best way to get a full knight’s sleep
 
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's Clinic.
👨🏽‍⚕️
Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Mr "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Mr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Mr Young: " Aaagh !! this is petrol!”
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
💰

Mr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Mr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Mr Young: "Oh, no you don't, that is petrol!”
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.
That will be $500.”
💰

Mr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Mr Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Mr Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; that will be $500.”
💰
💸
 
Hey @ESCO , what's black and never works?
ESCO: I don't know, what?
JD: Decaf Coffee!
 
While my wife was in labor, I tried distracting her by telling jokes…
She didn’t laugh once.
Must’ve been the delivery.
 
Kale is the most flexible vegetable ever.
Add Virgin Olive Oil, and it will slip into any trash can.
 
I opened a bag of frozen peas and a few rolled onto the floor…
Guess they were escapeas.
 
If you don't start in the morning,
it's not really "Day Drinking" is it.
 
My favorite Stephen King novel is the one about the clown…
You’ve probably heard of IT
 
What did the melon say when his lawn started to look dry?
"Guess it’s time to water-ma-lawn."
 
I met a genie who offered me one wish.
I said, “I wish I could be you.”
The genie replied,

“Weurd wush… but U wull grant ut.”
 
My boss told me they were going to start random drug testing

I said fine but I am not going to try meth
 
A scammer called me this morning, and said "I have all your passwords".
I said "Great, what are they, I forgot them all".
 
What do you call a cup of coffee with a sixth sense?
Déjà brew
 
Every fortune teller I’ve ever met is either incredibly depressing or way too enthusiastic.
Why is it so hard to
find a happy medium
 
I asked my wife if she wanted to grab a coffee.
She said, “Sure, how about 10 tomorrow?”
Ten coffees in one day seemed a little excessive…

So I canceled the plans.
 
Years ago, I worked in a theater installing trapdoors in the stage.
Looking back, it was just a stage I was going through.
 
A Viking lost his boat the other day…
Now he’s just a hiking.
 
Who is the fastest beer drinker in the world?

The guy who didn't buy it
 
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