Joke of the day! (No Memes)

I finally did it! Bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.
 
The man who invented throat lozenges died last week... There was no coffin at the funeral.
 
My wife told me not everyone who pulls up next to me wants to race, but I’d rather be safe than a loser
 
Mornings in the WC are not number one,
but a very solid number 2.
 
A guy on the subway showed me a picture of his wife and said, “Isn't she beautiful?" I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife."
He asked, "Is she stunning?" I said, "No, she's an optician."
 
When older people say, "Enjoy them while they are young! They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
 
A lot of women complain that their husbands never listen to them...
I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say that.
 
The first "Condom" was used in 1700,
by New Zealand Sheepherders.
They use a sheep intestine.
By 1800, Scotsmen improved the "Condom" by
removing it from the sheep
 
I just got myself a senior’s GPS. It not only tells me how to get there, but also why I wanted to go there in the first place.
 
I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart... I forgot where I was going with this, but I do know I love bacon.
 
Just before l pass away, I'm going to swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels... just to make the cremation a bit more exciting.
 
When Katie heard her elderly grandfather had passed,
she went straight to her 95-year-old grandmother to comfort her.
When Katie asked how he died, granny replied,
“He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly
100 years old having sex sounded dangerous.
Granny smiled and said, “Oh no, dear, many years ago
we figured out the best time was when the church bells
started to ring. It gave us the perfect rhythm — nice and slow and sedate,
ding in and ding out. Nothing too strenuous.”
She paused, wiped away a tear, and added,

“He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
 
Just saw three people jogging outside and it inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
 
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda
 
A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed, and pulled the blankets over them.
She was shocked-he hadn't been like this for 20 years. Then her husband said: "Look! My new watch glows in the dark"
 
A man boarded a plane and found his seat, settling in for what he expected to be an ordinary flight. As he arranged his belongings, he noticed a breathtakingly beautiful woman walking down the aisle. To his amazement, she stopped right at his row and took the seat next to him.
Trying to play it cool, he smiled and asked, “Business or pleasure?”
She returned the smile and replied, “Business. I’m heading to Boston for the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention.”

The man froze, barely able to process what he’d just heard. Of all the people to sit next to, here was a stunning woman on her way to *that* convention.
Doing his best to remain composed, he said, “Wow, that sounds… interesting. What do you do there?”

“I’m a keynote speaker,” she said, adjusting her seatbelt. “I use my personal experiences to challenge stereotypes and debunk myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he asked, leaning in slightly. “What kind of myths?”
“Well,” she began, “for instance, people often believe that African-American men are the most well-endowed. But statistically, it’s actually Native American men who hold that distinction.”
The man’s eyebrows shot up, but she continued.

“Another common myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers. In truth, Jewish men are typically the most skilled and attentive in that regard.”
The man nodded, hanging on her every word.

“And as for stamina, many think athletes or fitness enthusiasts top the list. But, funnily enough, Southern rednecks tend to outlast everyone else.”
She paused, noticing the stunned expression on his face, and chuckled softly. “I’m sorry,” she said, blushing slightly. “I don’t usually share this much with strangers. By the way, I didn’t catch your name.”

The man extended his hand with a broad grin. “Tonto,” he said. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.”
 
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