Joke of the day! (No Memes)

I finally did it! Bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.
 
The man who invented throat lozenges died last week... There was no coffin at the funeral.
 
My wife told me not everyone who pulls up next to me wants to race, but I’d rather be safe than a loser
 
Mornings in the WC are not number one,
but a very solid number 2.
 
A guy on the subway showed me a picture of his wife and said, “Isn't she beautiful?" I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife."
He asked, "Is she stunning?" I said, "No, she's an optician."
 
When older people say, "Enjoy them while they are young! They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
 
A lot of women complain that their husbands never listen to them...
I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say that.
 
The first "Condom" was used in 1700,
by New Zealand Sheepherders.
They use a sheep intestine.
By 1800, Scotsmen improved the "Condom" by
removing it from the sheep
 
I just got myself a senior’s GPS. It not only tells me how to get there, but also why I wanted to go there in the first place.
 
I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart... I forgot where I was going with this, but I do know I love bacon.
 
Just before l pass away, I'm going to swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels... just to make the cremation a bit more exciting.
 
When Katie heard her elderly grandfather had passed,
she went straight to her 95-year-old grandmother to comfort her.
When Katie asked how he died, granny replied,
“He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly
100 years old having sex sounded dangerous.
Granny smiled and said, “Oh no, dear, many years ago
we figured out the best time was when the church bells
started to ring. It gave us the perfect rhythm — nice and slow and sedate,
ding in and ding out. Nothing too strenuous.”
She paused, wiped away a tear, and added,

“He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
 
Just saw three people jogging outside and it inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
 
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top