Joke of the day! (No Memes)

a sloth got robbed by three turtles, when the police showed up they asked what happened and the sloth replied IDK, it happened all too fast
 
Kale is so versatile... it literally fits into any size trash can.
 
Democrats claim banning mail in ballots will
place an undue stress on dead voters.
 
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU BUY A BAG OF SALAD & IT GETS ALL BROWN & SOGGY?
COOKIES DON'T DO THAT
 
Tonight we are having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.
We found himalayan in the road.
 
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you"
I couldn't believe it,...You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
 
Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word "gruesome" in a sentence?"
Johnny: "Yes ma'am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."
 
I threw my back out sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing. I’m one fart away from total paralysis.
 
Is the Democratic party the HOA of the United States????
 
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
 
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop: “I want you to try to sell this to me." I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. He called me and said: "Bring my laptop back now." I said: "$200 and it's yours."
 
When you die, what is the last part of your body to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
 
If you don't want me showing up in pajamas, then maybe don't put the words "evening wear" on your invitation!
 
At a certain point in your life, sitting at home alone watching TV on a Friday night goes from being super depressing to the most enjoyable part of your week.
 
Her: I've been a bad girl and need to be punished.
Me: I install Windows 8 on her laptop.
 
I'm at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.
 
Only one problem with the "George Foreman" Grill.
It leaves "Marks On my steak" looking like the
"Jockey Beat It" before the butcher got it.
 
Just to be clear, I posted a sign next to my "Salt Block"
that I placed in my field.
The sign reads, Caution, this salt block is for my cattle only.
Any other animals that steal from my salt block will be shot.
 
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69% of poll results are made up on the spot.
The other 31% are made up also.
 
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
 
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