Joke of the day! (No Memes)

GLAMIS WEATHER
I realized I might be a slightly aggressive driver when my 3-year-old granddaughter yelled
“Pick a lane, freakin’ pecker head!” - while riding in the grocery cart at Walmart!!
 
I went for a job interview at FedEx.
I said 'Sorry I'm late, I went to the wrong address'
and they made me regional manager.
 
you cant shack up with the debil and expect god to pay the rent
 
I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you... so I replaced my croutons with M&M's!
 
i got bit by a mosquito last night....bet that little bastard is pretty hungover today.
 

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f**king batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
 
Over the 4th holiday neighbor comes up and asks me if I am an alcoholic, I say EFF no why do you ask, she said every time I come around you have a drink in yore hand , I told her an alcoholic needs a drink, bitch I got one.
 
Now that I've gotten older, l've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.
 
My wife can't remember her password, which she created yesterday.
But she remembers what I said on June 12, 2004, at 1:47pm
 
Thought of the Day:
Do women ever sit back and think, "My man sure does know a lot. Maybe I should just be quiet and listen to him."
 
One winter morning, a husband and wife in Detroit, MI were listening to the radio during breakfast:
They heard the announcer say. "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
❄
today. You must park your car
🚘
on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” So, the good wife went out and moved her car.
🚗

A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says. "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
❄
today. You must park your car
🚙
on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car
🚗
again. The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says. "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow
🌨
today.
☃️
⛄
You must park…" Then, the electric went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she said. “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied. "Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?"
😂
 
Difference between a "Crack Dealer" and a "Crack Hoe".
Wait for it.
.
.
.
A "Crack Hoe" can wash her crack and sell it again.
 
How to tell if you have top quality Irish Whisky?
.
.
.
It will have a screw cap on the bottle.
 
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
 
When your wife starts a sentence with "When you get a chance..." just go ahead and start putting your shoes on.
She means now.
 
A man was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"
 
I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make".
When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps."
Then I realised, I was playing the bee side..
 
BRAIN AT 3AM:
I can see you’re trying to sleep, so I’d like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or thing you should have said or done today — as well as over the past 30 years.
 
What's the difference between a criminal and an orphan? the criminal is wanted
 
"A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”“John,” the new seaman replied.“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”“Aye, Aye Chief!”“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do.”
 
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