Joke of the day! (No Memes)

I realized I might be a slightly aggressive driver when my 3-year-old granddaughter yelled
“Pick a lane, freakin’ pecker head!” - while riding in the grocery cart at Walmart!!
 
I went for a job interview at FedEx.
I said 'Sorry I'm late, I went to the wrong address'
and they made me regional manager.
 
you cant shack up with the debil and expect god to pay the rent
 
I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you... so I replaced my croutons with M&M's!
 
i got bit by a mosquito last night....bet that little bastard is pretty hungover today.
 

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f**king batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
 
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