Joke of the day! (No Memes)

My goal is to be the old person that everybody is afraid to take out in public
 
I recently spent $6500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.
So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...
but they kind of taste like peppermint
 
Have you ever played Quiet Tennis?
It's like regular tennis but without the racket!
 
What looks like half a tree?

The other half!

Ok, I'm done with my bad dad jokes for the day!
LOL
 
THE AVERAGE FART LEAVES YOUR ASS AT 7MPH
 
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it. It's Spam.
 
Condoms don't always guarantee safe sex. A buddy of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
 
When you have more years behind you than you have ahead of you, you look at life a lot differently.
 
The dude I pay to stop by once a week to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don't have pets.....
 
Can someone please explain what “oblivious” means because I have no idea.
 
IF SOMEONE EVER TELLS YOU THAT YOU DON'T NEED MORE HORSEPOWER.
STOP TALKING TO THEM. YOU DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF NEGATIVITY IN YOUR LIFE
 
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.
 
first big boobs became attractive, then big bums, now I'm just waiting for big bellys turn and it will be over for you bitches
 
My parents warned me about how addicting dr*gs are but forgot to mention cars and this one girl.
 
Grease Monkey said:
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, and proceeded to ask in a loving voice,
‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He responded: 'I found the remote.'...
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Click to expand...
:p
 
What did the elephant say to the naked jogger?
How do you breathe through that tiny thing!
 
Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a man's beer and he will entertain the world
 
Two buddies were hiking through the woods when they stumbled upon a massive hole in the ground—wide, dark, and looking like it went on forever.
“Whoa,” one of them said, peering in. “That looks really deep.”
The other nodded. “Yeah, let’s see how deep it is. Grab some pebbles.”
They each picked up a few and tossed them in.
They waited.
Silence.
“Hmm… no splash, no thud… nothing.”
“Let’s try something heavier!”
They scouted around and found a couple of decent-sized rocks, about the size of footballs. They chucked those in.
Still… no sound.
Now completely intrigued, one of them spotted something in the brush.
“Dude, check this out—there’s an old railroad tie over here!”
They dragged the heavy beam over to the hole, counted to three, and heaved it in.
They leaned in close, waiting for a bang, a crash—anything.
But again—nothing.
Before they could even comment, a goat came flying out of the woods like it had rockets strapped to its hooves. It sprinted past them and, without slowing down, launched itself right into the hole.
Both guys stood there stunned.
A few moments later, a farmer strolled out from the trees and asked,
“Hey boys, you seen a goat come through here?”
One of them replied, wide-eyed,
“Uh, yeah… it tore through here like lightning and jumped straight into that hole!”
The farmer furrowed his brow and said,
“Hmm… couldn’t have been mine.
Mine was chained to a railroad tie.”
 
Maybe Red Bull won't solve my problems, but at least I'l have wings while flying straight into bad decisions.
 
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