Joke of the day! (No Memes)

Grease Monkey

Grease Monkey

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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, and proceeded to ask in a loving voice,
‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He responded: 'I found the remote.'...
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I slipped and fell on black ice, I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was gone!

 
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked.
Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word.
His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing.
His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

 
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

He replies, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

 
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"


Peace

 
if YORE son becomes a priest to you call him father or son?

 
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!” —

 
Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They are greeted by St Peter, who informs them that everyone entering heaven must pass an intelligence test, but since they were nuns and had devoted their lives to Jesus, the questions would be really easy.

St Peter turned to the first nun and said, “Name three of Jesus’ disciples.”

“Oh that’s easy,” the first nun replied, “Matthew, John, and James.”




The bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened and the first nun entered.

St Peter turned to the second nun and asked, “Who was Moses?”

The nun confidently replies, “Moses led the Israelite's out of Egypt into the promised land.”

The bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened a second time and the second nun entered.
Finally, St Peter addresses the third nun. “What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?”

The third nun paused for a moment and muttered, “Gosh, that’s a hard one.”

And the bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened.




 
Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They are greeted by St Peter at the pearly gates who has a stack of folders in front of him. He looks at the first nun opening her folder and says "hmm, says here you haven't always been a perfect loyal servant. Says here that you once held a man's penis in your hand to pleasure him." She looks down shamefully and says "yes, St Peter, for that I am guilty." St Peter replies "well, I suppose for all your years of servitude we can overlook such a thing if you just wash that hand off in this bowl of holy water." She does this and walks through the gates into heaven. As the second nun is approaching St Peter the third nun gets very nervous and rushes to the bowl and rinses her mouth with the holy water. St Peter is angry and exclaims "what are you doing! You must wait your turn!" to which she replies "I just wanted to wash my mouth out before she washes her ass out!"

 
WIFE: did you drink the last beer in the fridge?

ME: no I drank it in the living room.

 
Code: 
A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth. “$100,” said the dentist.
 “Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main.
 “Do you have anything cheaper?” 
“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist. 
The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”
 “Well, that would be unusual, but we could do that. It would be about $75.” 
The man thinks some more. “What about if you used a trainee and no anesthetic?” 
“Well,” said the dentist, ”I think that could work, but it would be a lot more painful.
 I think that would be about $35.”
 The man thought some more. “That’s still a lot. What if you make it a training session with a student doing the extraction, and the other students can watch?”
 The dentist says, “Ok, that would be good for the students, but it will be traumatic to have it done that way.
 I’ll charge you $5 for that.”
 “Great,” said the man. “That’s perfect. Can I book my wife for her appointment on Wednesday?
 
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

 
Chingon619 said:
I thought the title said "No Mames" 😝🖕
Click to expand...
guey.

Three missionaries were in a foreign land trying to convert the natives.

One day as the missionaries were walking, they were taken hostage by the natives who then took them to their king.

The King, on his throne of bone, looked at the three scared missionaries and after a long silence, the king asked the first missionary,

"Death!? or Bunga Bunga?"

the first missionary looked around and worried and not knowing what "bunga bunga" was, he replied, "Bunga Bunga".

10 natives then took him, strapped him to a tree, savagely raped the missionary, and sent him on his way.

The king then looked at the second missionary and spoke, "Death!? or Bunga Bunga?"

The missionary stood thinking,

"I don't want to get raped... But I definitely am not ready to die"

he then answered the king, "Bunga Bunga!"

Quickly he was grabbed, strapped to the tree and was savagely and forcefully raped by 20 natives. His ass was totally destroyed, but like the first, he was set free.

Finally the king addressed the last missionary,

"Death!? or Bunga Bunga?",

the missionary thought,

"I can't go through life after that type of abuse, There is just no way I could live with myself"

He boldly answered the king, "I choose Death!"

to which the king quickly replied,

"DEATH!!!! BY BUNGA BUNGA!!!"

 
Two old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.

Sure enough, a few days latter she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter and says “Young man, I would like to but a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?” The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.
 
A 72 year old man goes to the doctor and asks for birth control for his 12 year old grand daughter. The doctor says wow, that's pretty young, is she sexually active? The old man says, well kinda, she just lays there like her mom. 

 
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