My stepdad wasn't much for funny sayings.
When I was about 9, he said, "The Navy ain't never done me no harm." I replied, "The least they could have done was teach you some grammar." My mom chuckled, I think I got about a month's restriction for that one. She agreed with me, but wouldn't override him.
The rest of these are mom-isms.
"If you hear a baby crying in a dumpster, do NOT rescue the baby. It will ruin your life, like you did mine."
"I can't wait until you have children." "Oh, you want grandchildren?" "No, I just want you to go through what you put me through."
"If you ever have children and expect me to watch them, I'm going to feed each of them 5 lbs of candy bars just before you pick them up."
"I am Mother Nature. I made up all of the laws of nature. I control everything."
"I have eyes in the back of my head. I have RADAR in my forehead. I can hear everything. I own all of the satellites. The CIA asks me what's happening. So don't even try anything."
"Every stupid idea that pops into your head - I thought of and decided against it 25 yrs ago, so don't ever think you've discovered a new trick or something I don't know. I'm 25 yrs wiser than you."
If all of your friends decided to jump off a bridge, would you follow them? If so, make sure it's a tall bridge and you die, because I'd rather you die than be as stupid as your friends."
She was a lot of things. Judgmental, black/white, opinionated, unforgiving, demanding and relentless were 6 of them.
