Joke of the day! (No Memes)

I finally did it! Bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.
 
The man who invented throat lozenges died last week... There was no coffin at the funeral.
 
My wife told me not everyone who pulls up next to me wants to race, but I’d rather be safe than a loser
 
Mornings in the WC are not number one,
but a very solid number 2.
 
A guy on the subway showed me a picture of his wife and said, “Isn't she beautiful?" I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife."
He asked, "Is she stunning?" I said, "No, she's an optician."
 
When older people say, "Enjoy them while they are young! They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
 
A lot of women complain that their husbands never listen to them...
I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say that.
 
The first "Condom" was used in 1700,
by New Zealand Sheepherders.
They use a sheep intestine.
By 1800, Scotsmen improved the "Condom" by
removing it from the sheep
 
I just got myself a senior’s GPS. It not only tells me how to get there, but also why I wanted to go there in the first place.
 
I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart... I forgot where I was going with this, but I do know I love bacon.
 
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