Joke of the day! (No Memes)

BREAKING NEWS!
Man gets hit by a rental car.
Said it Hertz.
 
My wife really spoils me. I married her for her personality, and she has thrown in 5 more for free.
Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to experience them all in one day.
 
ESCO said:
My wife really spoils me. I married her for her personality, and she has thrown in 5 more for free.
Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to experience them all in one day.
Click to expand...
Sounds like 5times the money #6 if a bonus
 
GM: How do you know when you are being flirted with?
JD: When I hand her the money.
 
I'M EXCITED to announce I have completed the first item on my bucket list.
I have the bucket.
 
EVERY TIME I visit a website, I click Accept Cookies.
I have yet to receive a single cookie and I'm getting sick and tired of the lies.
 
I walk into a bar, and say "Anybody want to hear a blonde joke"?
The waitress says, "Before you start, I'm blonde, the bartender is blonde
and so is the owner. Do you still want to tell a blonde joke"?
I said "No, I don't want to repeat it three times".
 
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
 
ESCO said:
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
Click to expand...
Didn't I read somewhere when someone is "Clintonized" The note says the person was playing Russian Roulette, but with a 9mm.....
LMAO
 
Sometimes being alone in the garage with some good snacks, a cold drink and good music is one of life's luxuries.
 
Why isn't the 24th of July a holiday?
Are we really expected to work 24/7?
 
Little Red Riding Hood found in critical condition. Paramedics have stabilized her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.
 
My wife accused me of eating an entire 2 pound bag of M&Ms.
Not true, as at least one half were W&Ws.
 
JD is so fat when he got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
 

A guy on a long-haul flight is desperate to use the bathroom.​



The men’s room is occupied, and he’s doing the potty dance in the aisle.

A sympathetic stewardess whispers, "Look, I’ll let you use the ladies' room, but you must promise: Do not touch the buttons on the wall. They are for female hygiene only."

He promises, rushes in, and relieves himself. As he sits there, he notices four buttons: WW, WA, PP, and ATR.

Curiosity gets the better of him. "Who’s gonna know?" he thinks.

He presses WW. A gentle spray of Warm Water washes his backside. "Man," he thinks, "The guys just get rough toilet paper. This is class!"

He presses WA. A stream of Warm Air dries him comfortably. "Unbelievable! Why don't we have this?"

He presses PP. A Poof of Powder scents the air and leaves him feeling fresh. "This is the greatest bathroom experience of my life!"

He looks at the final button: ATR. He thinks, "If the other three were that good, this one must be the finale." He pushes it.

Everything goes black.

He wakes up in a hospital bed with tubes running out of his arm and a dull ache in his groin. He sees a nurse and croaks, "What happened? The last thing I remember was the ATR button."

The nurse grimaces. "Yes, sir. You were having a great time until then. WW is Warm Water, WA is Warm Air, and PP is Powder Puff."

"Yeah, yeah, but what is ATR?" he begs.

"Sir, ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is in the jar on the nightstand."
 
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