Joke of the day! (No Memes)

I tapped my uber driver on the shoulder and he got so startled he started swerving all over the road, I said dang son why you so jumpy, he replied that for the last 20yrs he was driving a hearse
 
One Vagina lip says to the other.
.
.
What happened, we used to be so tight.
 
If you're attracted to both women and men but neither of them are attracted to you that means you are Bi-Yourself
 
we live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so stupid people won't be offended.
 
I like my country like I like my tea… FULL OF ICE
 
If you "Teabag" someone with a nut allergy,
That's Attempted Murder.
 
What's the difference between a Walrus and a Lesbian?
.
.
.
One has a mustache, smells like fish and the other is a Walrus.
 
I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart.
But the meat is cheap so I don't ask questions.
 
The doctor said to me this morning, "I'd like to talk to you about your weight."
| said,”Well, it was about 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy!!!"
 
Me: Does this handkerchief smell like chloroform?
Her: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz
 
You can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of you if you keep giving them the straw.
 
A Florida highway patrol officer pulled over a REALLY REALLY OLD guy on a Harley for speeding. He walked up to the biker and said, “Let’s start with your name.”
“JD,” the man replied.
“JD what?” asked the officer.
“Just JD.”
The officer, in a good mood, figured he might let him off with a warning. But he decided to have a little fun and pushed, “Come on now—what’s your last name?”
JD sighed. “Well, I used to have one… but I lost it.”
Now curious, the officer raised an eyebrow. “Lost it? How do you lose a last name?”
JD took a deep breath. “It’s a long story. But here goes:
I was born JD Johnson. I studied hard, went to medical school, became a doctor—JD Johnson, M.D.
After a few years, I got interested in dentistry, went back to school, and became JD Johnson, M.D., D.D.S.
Then I made some bad choices, got involved with my dental assistant… and ended up with an infection. So I was JD Johnson, M.D., D.D.S., with a V.D.
The dental board didn’t like that. They pulled my D.D.S., so I became JD Johnson, M.D., with a V.D.
Then the medical board found out, and there went my M.D. Now I was just JD Johnson… with a V.D.
And finally, the V.D. took away my Johnson.
So now… I’m Just JD.”
The officer was crying.
Not out of pity—but from laughing so hard, he couldn’t even write the ticket.
 
what do you call it when someone is trying to get a sex change and doesn't have the money.........

Trans-action denied
 
Female Police Officer: ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE HELD AGAINST YOU.
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Me: BOOBS!
 
Marriage is realizing I am the perfect husband and she's just battling her own demons and not you.
I am perfect
 
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