Joke of the day! (No Memes)

I THINK I MIGHT BE EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED I HAVEN'T GIVEN A SH*T IN DAYS!
 
😅
So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.
😢

I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me
😒
)
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage
 
When you finally have some money in your bank account but your car starts making sounds not even music can cover up
 
Having Sex In Thailand is like a box of chocolates.
Every now and then, one has nuts.
 
They are just mad that Elon came to Washington and flipped on the lights, now all of the Cockroaches are panicking!!!
 
It's weird when you realize we are the last generation on this Earth to know what life was like before social media.
 
It's Been Said, Santa Is Happy
Because, "Ho, Ho, Ho"..
 
I trust he's just a friend" just about as much as my buddy saying "it's only a 5 minute job"
 
This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog....we laughed a lot
 
Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house.
It worked! The more vodka I drank the cleaner the house looked!
 
You're not truly an adult until you save an empty box just because "it's a really great box"
 
Me: I feel like I’ve been tired for 7 years.
My kid: That’s how old I am.
Me: What a coincidence.
 

A women wanted to spice up her dead sex-life, she puts on her new panties, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At a strategic moment, she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Yes, yes"" she coos, so excited and with a cunningly seductive smile.
"Thank God!” he replies, “I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot!!
 
1975: I can't wait to see what the world is like in 50 years!

2025: I miss 1975.
 
Hillbilly Moms Letter
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Mom
 
I may not put that sparkle in your eyes, but I definitely put that "what the f**k" wrinkle in your forehead
 
That awkward moment when you're running... And your boobs are bouncing all over the place. But you're a 55 year old guy
 
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