Joke of the day! (No Memes)

Marriage is realizing that your wife wants you to be quiet, but also talk to her, but also leave her alone, but also give her attention.
 
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
 
I've reached that age where my brain went from "you probably shouldn't say that" to "what the h*ll, let's see what happens."
 
Only a Dad can lose everything, hit rock bottom, walk through hell and still say “I’ll figure it out” then somehow he does
 
Behind every angry woman. There's a man who doesn't know what he did
 
Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “throw this and wherever it lands I'll take you there."
We're spending 3 weeks behind the couch.
 
If ICE keeps doing its job, maybe I won’t have to press 1 for English anymore!
 
Brains are funny. I can remember every word to a song I haven't heard in 20 years but l've got no clue what my email password is
 
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can't fantasize about drop-kicking them off a cliff every now and then.
 
Living with a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.
 
drinking beer probably won't solve your problems. not drinking beer probably won't solve your problems, too.
 
I don’t trust a man who’s never thrown a ratchet across the shop.
 
A State Department of Fish and Wildlife sends a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on his property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.

The property owners' response in the second letter is EPIC.

Letter from Dept. Of Fish & Wildlife:

Dear Landowner:
WDFWR Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely

Steve Nemel

Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

***************************** ******************************
****************************** *****************************

RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS:

Dear Mr. Nemel:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).

You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for Non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8 am. And 3 PM. But you cannot commence survey until 9 am. And must cease all survey activity by 1 PM.

Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18 in handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.

After 1 PM. You can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application.

However, all fees can be waived if you can verify "Native Indian Tribal rights and status".

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys" and your "Comprehensive Course on Frog Identification, Safe Handling Practices, and Self-Defense Strategies for Frog Attacks."

This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,
The American Citizens!
 
I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint…
 
Still have my license because my attorney proved that you can't see a 75 mph sign goin 190
 
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
 
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