Joke of the day! (No Memes)

Why would you ask me to press 1 for English and then immediately put someone from India on the phone!
 
what to you get if you cross a detective and aligator?>

an investi-GATOR
 
Whoever came up with the word "dentures" really missed the opportunity to call them "substitooths"
 
CNN lecturing Americans on patriotism is like Alec Baldwin teaching gun safety.
 
The word "queue" is ironic. It's just a Q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
 
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar talking about golf and singing.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”
Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Tiger asks, “You play golf?”
Wonder replies, “Oh yeah, I’ve been playing for years.”
And Woods says, “But you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”
Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”
“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.
“Well,” Stevie says, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”
Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”
Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?”
Stevie says, “Pick a night!”
 
dont worry, if you heard the shot you were not the target
 
Sometimes I read a text and think, what a psycho. Then I press send
 
Egg prices are dropping. Turns out, if you stop killing chickens, they lay more eggs.
 
I’m currently unsupervised, don’t worry I’m old I’ll probably just fall asleep in my recliner watching tv.
 
As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
 
Sex is like a gas station
sometimes you get full service
sometimes you gotta ask for service
and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self service
 
3,025 years from today, life will either be really good, or really bad!
😅

It's 5050.
 
Tonight we are having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found Himalayan in the road.
 

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they!"
 
In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study. After three years of research and $250,000.00, they concluded that the reason was to give the Woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Wisconsin, unsatisfied with these findings, spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
 
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